the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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