woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
