Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
