I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
