Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
