i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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