I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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