My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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