I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
