the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
