i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
