Grow some girl-balls and come out already
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
