Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
These tits shall not be calmed
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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