I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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