Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
