I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
