I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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