Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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