Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
