Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
