listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
