My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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