Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just found puke in my bra..
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
