I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
