Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
