return my video game
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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