So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
