I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
