As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
soo... how was my night?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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