I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
