i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i think i have herpe
just one?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
