I molested 6 butterflies tonight
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
