I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
