She is in my trunk
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
