I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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