I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
