this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
