her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
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