i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
