I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
