my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
sarcasm needs its own font
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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