I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
