I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
