So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
