it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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