life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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