i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
