If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
