Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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