Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
