no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
